Bananas and Milk
by Startix-Master of the NoLess
Summary: The law of the jungle was a simple one: eat or be eaten. Simple, easy to follow. And often in the jungle, there are cougars. And cougars are well-known for eating monkeys. [Crack pairing within]


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Kill la Kill.

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Steely blue eyes snapped open, immediately narrowing in irritation. Slowly, their owner turned her head to the clock resting on her nighttable. 2:34 AM. At such a late hour, there was no reason (none justifiable anyway), for hearing noise. Yet she did, and now she was awake.

Suppressing a sigh, for that was unbecoming of a lady such as herself, Satsuki Kiryuin rose from her bed, slipped on her nightgown, and left her room, barely making a sound as she did, moving as silently as a ghost.

Her house was large, but at night, it seemed almost eldritch, the moonlight casting warped shadows at every corner. But Satsuki remained undaunted, following the faint echo of the noise that woke her, hoping to eliminate the source and return to peaceful sleep.

She paused. There it was again. A giggle, barely audible, but present. Satsuki frowned. There should not be giggling within her house. Especially at such an hour. She resumed her pace.

She followed the giggling to the upper floors of the Kiryuin mansion, the noise getting progressively louder until she reached a door. A large, multicolored door that, even in the dim light of the ungodly hour, sparkled and dazzled, as though it were fashioned from a newly-formed star.

This was the door that led to her mother, Ragyo Kiryuin's room.

There was an unwritten rule in the Kiryuin household: never enter Ragyo's room between the hours of 11 PM and 5 AM. Many assumed it was solely because she was busy at this time, designing fashions or doing things best left to the unknown. But rarely had a sound emanated from this room, especially giggling. It was then that Satsuki made the ultimately horrible decision of not just opening the door, but refusing to knock.

What lied opposite the door was a sight she could have, would have, gone her whole life without seeing. Ever. The sight of Ragyo Kiryuin lying in her enormous four-poster bed, stark naked, arms and legs wrapped around someone the teenager wished she couldn't identify. But she could, and she did. The tanned, muscular body. The emerald hair. The battle scars. Her classmate and one of her best friends, Uzu Sanageyama.

The two didn't register Satsuki's entrance immediately, but Ragyo's chance glance in her direction made them pause in their actions and stare, one in shock, one in mild annoyance. Sanageyama's mouth formed into a perfect 'O' of terror, his eyes wide, as though he were staring down some ghastly, unfathomable beast. Ragyo, however, sighed in irritation, upset at having been interrupted, a slight pout on her face.

Satsuki stood in the doorway, feeling her blood turn to ice. Question upon question upon question piled in her brain until it collapsed under the pressure, only to reform and begin the process anew, question upon question upon question.

"S-Satsuki!" squeaked Sanageyama, face redder than Ragyo's highlights, desperately trying to hide the fact that he was currently inside his best friend's mother. In a truly remarkable display of stupidity that far exceeded his normal output, the kendo enthusiast managed a half-hearted "This isn't what it looks like?"

For the first time, the absolute first time in her eighteen years of life, Satsuki Kiryuin, was at a complete and total loss for words.

"Ignore her." Ragyo said, turning Sanageyama's face back towards hers. "After all, it's me you should be focusing on, isn't it?"

A strangled whimper was all he managed before Ragyo pulled the teen into a deep kiss, completely disregarding Satsuki's presence.

The younger Kiryuin stayed for all of five minutes before turning on her heel, leaving, brain quickly working out where to find the bleach.

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Breakfast the next morning was awkward.

Satsuki enjoyed her meal, pointedly ignoring her mother's gaze. Ragyo lightly drummed her fingers on the table, staring at her daughter, as though she were waiting for something. Soroi, able to read the situation, had asked to be excused after serving Satsuki her tea, bolting the second he received approval.

With a stealthy glance, Satsuki eyed the clock, noting that her transportation would be arriving soon. Not soon enough to her liking, but soon.

"He wore a condom, if that's what you were wondering."

A blood vessel burst in Satsuki's right eye, instantly healing from the sheer force of her will. Coolly, she took a sip of her tea.

"Honestly," Ragyo sighed. "I have no idea what you're upset about. If it's jealousy, you only have yourself to blame. If you wanted him, you should've claimed him a long time ago. And you and I both know it's a crime to let such a piece like that go unattached."

Satsuki felt the inside of her mouth go dry, no amount of tea seeming to provide relief.

Ragyo smiled, a genuine, serene, lovesick smile as she twirled the spoon in her coffee. "He calls me his 'Disco MILF'." she chuckled. "The names youngsters come up with these days."

Satsuki wondered if she was suffering the onset of a very subtle, very powerful stroke.

"I see why he's the Athletic Club President. With stamina like that it's little wonder—"

-ding dong- came the sound of the doorbell. With lightning speed, Satsuki grabbed her books, her bag, dashing out the door, leaving a surprised Ragyo in her wake.

"Lady Satuski, your conveyance is here." Gamagōri barely got out as the student council president breezed past him, only to freeze. Her eyes narrowed into slits sharp enough to cut diamond as she took in the sight of Sanageyama in the back, squeezed between Jakuzure and Inumuta.

Slowly, she crept over to the green-haired teen, ignoring Inumuta's confused look and Jakuzure's concerned one.

"You." she said stonily to Sanageyma. "May walk."

Sanageyama nodded solemnly, unbuckling his seatbelt and stepping out of Gamagōri's car. Satsuki took her designated shotgun spot, Gamagōri hopping into the driver's seat, sparing Sanageyama an almost sympathetic look. With a nod from Satsuki, they sped off, leaving the kendo enthusiast in the dust.

"…Well…" he sighed. "That could've been worse."

**END**

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How I do love crack fanfiction~


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